From Pickup Lines to the Pickup Line

Let’s talk about T. Swift.  That bitch has lived!!  Then she tells us all about it! I love her and her twisty romances and fuck yes, I live vicariously through every salacious song lyric.  Some accuse her of oversharing, I say Preach queen, preach!

The problem is, Taylor is about to become one of us!  Middle aged and married.  I mean maybe she will find a witty way to sing about the pickup line at school and toilet scrubbing, but I doubt it.  Life becomes boring when you settle down.  Settling down might as well be called “how to kill your soul and all excitement in your life overnight”.  Am I being dramatic?  Fuck yes!

Look, of course it’s wonderful to find your person and lock them down.  Then, you make other little people with that person, who are a mixture of both of your worst traits.  Then you do your best to raise that little person to overcome all the crappy parts of themselves, that your DNA is directly responsible for.  It’s magical. 

Ok, see I meant that to be a sincere moment and for some reason I just can’t help but spiral into sarcasm.  Probably one of the terrible traits inherited from my parents that they desperately tried to parent out of me and were unsuccessful.  To quote one of the greatest (and obviously wisest movies of all time):

“Nature vs. nurture, Lodge.  Nature always wins.” – Secretary William Cleary, Wedding Crashers

So here I am, a sarcastic, middle aged, mildly miserable, menace to society mom living a mundane life.  I’m just searching for a little spark to help me get through the days (and the nights when either my tiny bladder or my hormones wake me up and then I proceed to lay in bed for hours convinced the ceiling is about to drop on my face).