“I’m eating you anyway”

I’ve hit rock bottom.  How do I know? I just ate chicken tender off of my dirty, dirty kitchen floor.  That little fucker piece of chicken jumped right out of my hand as I was closing the fridge.  I scooped him up as quickly as I could, said out loud to no one, “I’m eating you anyway” and proceeded to rip it apart like an animal in the wild.

On a normal day, say when I don’t feel completely hopeless, I would NEVER eat that thing.  MAYBE, if I had JUST and I mean as in within the last 4 hours, cleaned the floors I would consider it, but then get a hold of myself and throw it in the trash.

My kitchen floors have not been touched in over 2 weeks!  Plus bonus, I dropped it RIGHT in front of the trashcan, which is where lots of other disgusting items have already fallen and deposited their germs, bacteria, funguses, venereal diseases, probably rabis, whooping cough, tetanus and 6000 other ailments that are all cohabiting on my tile floors right where I dropped my chicken.  Now, they took the chicken tender bus straight to my insides and I am certain they are setting up new illness born colonies everywhere.  My gut, my butt, even my eyeballs already feel funny.

The worst part?  I have a whole other delicious, non-toxic tender sitting in the fridge!  That’s right, I ate the other fucker off the floor not out of desperation, but out of depression.  Like I said, rock bottom.  Does it get worse than setting yourself up to be crapping your pants later at your son’s orthodontic appointment?  No, I don’t think it does.

Also, I’ve neglected to mention that the time of this chicken tender consumption was 10:06 AM.  Yes I am eating cold chicken at 10AM.  Yes, I feel shame that my breakfast was 2 black coffees and a hard boiled egg with a chicken tender chaser.  Yes, I feel shame that my floors have not been cleaned in weeks.  Yes, I feel shame that I did not get the promotion at work yesterday.  And there it is.  All of the silliness, all the jokes boil down to being truly sad.

If you are sad and you eat food off of your dirty floors, you are not alone.  Give yourself some grace, remember that the two second rule is science and maybe, just maybe consider wearing an adult diaper to the orthodontist’s office later today.  God speed.