A Full 90s Revival!  From Tae Bo to TRL!

This morning during my Peloton ride (shout out Cody Rigsby), I heard a song that I have not heard in 25 years.  That shit brought me back, I mean straight back to middle school, or high school, I don’t even know when exactly, but I was definitely in school when I last heard that beat drop.

It was a pretty terrible song, (that’s why over the last three decades no radio station has had it in rotation nor has a friend included it on a playlist –  you know when you’re at some random gathering and a song comes on and you go “oh shit I haven’t heard this in forever!  I forgot about this song!”.  Then you immediately download it and listen to it on repeat for the next two weeks until you’re sick of it – just as you were twenty years ago).

Hot tub time machine?  No need!  Don’t boil your reproductive parts and kill off your sperm! Track down a Flux Capacitor and risk your life driving a Delorian at reckless speeds?  Way too much effort.  If you want a real time machine, just throw on 90s on 9 on Sirius and be transported back to simpler times.  In fact, I’m in favor of a full 90s revival. We are already wearing the clothes, why not lean in all facets of life?

I’m talking Christina Aguilera and Smashing Pumpkins on the radio, bringing back Must See TV Thursdays (and TGIF on Fridays for the tweens – Mr. Feeny was a legend).  I want to go on a date to Pizza Hut, drink out of those big, plastic, red cups and get some stuffed crust pizza. Then head to Blockbuster and canoodle on the couch ingesting a bowl of chemicals – I mean microwave popcorn.  Just don’t forget “Be Kind. Rewind.”

I want to spend 15 minutes connecting to the internet via a landline, to spend 10 minutes reading all of my friends AIM away messages, to then spend 20 more minutes crafting my own clever away message, only to have my mom make a phone call and harshly disconnect me from the internet 3 minutes later.

I want to stay up late on Tuesdays (a school night!?), and sneak into the basement to watch Dawson’s Creek.

I want to get my belly button pierced (it’s going to look extra cute now, sandwiched right between my over-40-fuppa and all the extra saggy skin I have from growing a baby).  I want my husband to frost his tips.  Actually, his tips are already frosted, except they aren’t blonde, they’re gray, and it’s not just the tips, it’s his whole head.

I want to act scandalously like spelling out curse words on my T90 Calculator in math class.

I want to know it’s the weekend because my dad is home and has Sportscenter on in the background – on an endless loop.

I want to say things like “She thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips!”  or “Talk to the hand!”  And you know I’m not dating no “Scrubs”.

I want Freddie Prince Jr. to stare at Rachel Leigh Cook as she comes down those stairs, looking like a hot mamacita, all because they removed her glasses.

I want to know we have no afternoon plans because it’s 4pm and my mom has Oprah on the TV.  

I want a sun visor CD holder! And in that case I suppose I want a car that will play CDs.  Speaking of CDs, I want to make a tough decision every morning as to which single CD I want to have playing in my discman all day.  I also want it to take hours to download a song from Napster, then spend another hour burning a playlist onto a CD, just to put it in a jewel case that inevitably shatters or cracks and gives me a cut that probably needs medical attention.

I want textbooks!  And I want to cover them in used brown paper bags from the grocery store!  Then I want to increase my chances of scoliosis and back issues later in life by filling my Jansport backpack with those textbooks and a giant trapperkeeper and refusing to use one of the straps.

I want little hard plastic dolls with nappy hair and a jewel jammed in their bellybutton (OMG is this why we all grew up wanting our navels pierced!?).  I also want little soft dolls with beans in their butts.   I want everyone to play Mancula!  I want early parent training in the form of a keychain that beeps every time the digital creature that lives in it poops.

I want my child’s diet to consist of Spaghetti-Os, Bagel Bites, Lunchables, Hot Pockets, Pushpops and Dunkaroos.  I want to fix my family a fine meal after a long day of Shake-n-Bake and Rice-a-Roni with a chaser of a large glass of plain milk.  I want to serve them Ding-Dongs and Twinkies for dessert.  I want to heat leftovers in the microwave in plastic tupperware that comes out in a slightly different shape then when it went into the micro – because it partially melted – no concerns there.  I want all of the foods I saute to have that extra special flavor that only little flakes of teflon can give it.  “BAM!” You don’t like Teflon flakes?  Fine.  “No Soup for you!”

I want to watch TRL because I need Carson Daily and his black nail polish to tell me if Brittnay is still number one for the 64th week in a row.  Bonus!  I’m old enough now to make my own decisions and I want to go stand outside of the MTV studios dressed like a hoe and scream in the street like a lunatic.

I want to do Tae Bo in the basement (shout out to my OG video-on-demand aerobics instructor Billy Blanks).  I want to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom with a black light – and then see what glows!  I want people to immediately know my mood based on the color of the ring on my finger!

Shit I could go on and on with 90s nostalgia all day, but I should take a break.  “We were on a break!”  (Again, if that didn’t make you picture David Schwimmer and smile, we can’t be friends).  In summary I will leave you with these closing thoughts on the 90s.  More than two decades later I can confirm that life is in fact is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.  Unfortunately, no one has showed me the money, and I did not venture to infinity and beyond.  However, the good news is I don’t see dead people and on good days I feel like the king of the world.

Good or bad the 90s made us who we are today and personally I’m ready to relive the past.  if you don’t agree, well maybe you just can’t handle the truth.  I vote we trade our cell phones for beepers, online shopping for the Delia’s catalog and green drinks for Lipton Brisk iced tea.  How do you like them apples?